I’m Only Sixteen

I’m only sixteen. The average person lives to about 72; I looked it up. So, if the average person lives to about 72 years and I’m presently only sixteen, why am I driving home from work crying, having to take breaks in the bathrooms during school to keep the panic attacks at bay, drowning in stress, struggling just to catch my breath? 

I’m only sixteen. Yet, there are so many standards and expectations that are constantly weighing me down by society. I’m a junior in highschool, and I have to start thinking about college while still maintaining my current grades for all 7 of my classes. I go to school 7 hours a day, 5 times a week, 35 hours a week–not to mention the 4 hours of homework teachers like to load on us every day. Even on the weekends it can take all day to finish homework. I sometimes like to think teachers forget that we have 6-7 other classes outside their class. 

I’m only sixteen. I have a job where I work on average 4 days a week. I’m gaining work experience, which will look good on college applications, but the cost to me is overwhelming. Speaking of college, how am I supposed to pick a college to go to after graduation when I don’t even know what I want to do? Am I the only one who questions why one test score determines if a college will accept you or not? When will there ever be enough time in the day to get everything done? I’m sure I am not alone when I say that there are days where I'm so mentaly tired all I do is lay in bed. 

I’m only sixteen. Let’s talk about mental health for a moment. How can I be so  mentally tired? Adults will never understand how we can sleep half the day away and still be tired, but it’s not as simple as it seems. We can still be tired because it’s not the kind of tired that sleep can fix. It’s the kind of tired where, mentally, we don’t have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. People preach that mental health is just as important as physical health. Well, I think it’s more important. 

Our minds are a piece of art that we need to protect. All the different pieces send signals to different parts of our body for certain needs. If we can’t take care of ourselves mentally, we can’t take care of ourselves at all. 

I’m only sixteen. Yet most of the time I find myself struggling just to find time to enjoy the little things in life. Whenever I ask my parents to go out on a school night, the first thing they always ask me is if all my homework is done, or if there's anything else I can do to prepare for my classes the next day. Once, just once, I want to say my school work can wait. I want to have fun. I want to forget about school for a few hours. 

I’m only sixteen. I want my social life. So, why does my social battery run out so quickly? Why do I feel the need to recharge so often? I shouldn’t have to learn already how to hide what I’m going through, or how to perfect my fake smile. I shouldn’t have to constantly feel so drained and look forward to when I can be alone without people constantly asking me if I’m okay. When I’m alone, I wanna be with my friends. When I’m with my friends, I wanna be alone. I can’t seem to get my mind to stay in the present moment. 

I’m only sixteen. Why is my mind always racing with thoughts that I can’t pinpoint because once one thought pops up, it’s gone in a flash with a new thought? It’s a repeated cycle. Thinking about parents who only accept A’s, sometimes even B’s for their kids' grades, but at this point I'm happy with just C’s because, hey, at least I’m passing, right? Thinking about my stomach telling me I’m hungry, but my mind is telling me not to eat because I’m going to the beach later today, or that the kids at my school have flat stomachs and skinny thighs. Thinking about how I wanna help my friends, but sometimes I can’t even help myself. Thinking about relationships, how I never wanted it to end that way, how I know I made the right decision, but it still hurts. Thinking about how I miss the sport I once fell in love with and how my parents are always yelling at me when I’m just trying my best. At what point did my best simply become just not good enough anymore? 

I’m only sixteen. And I’m not okay. But I’m supposed to be okay, right? I have to persuade my loved ones and the people I care about that I’m okay so they aren’t worried about me. Why do I feel guilty when it comes to sharing my problems with other people? I don’t want them to have my problems on top of whatever they’re going through. Just for someone to listen? What people fail to understand is that it's perfectly normal to not be okay. Everyone’s always dealing with their own personal stuff. Remember, the average life span is 72, that’s about 56 more years. I shouldn’t have to feel and view life like this at such a young age, should I?  

I’m only sixteen.