Eighteen
I wasn’t diagnosed with depression until this year, although I had been showing and feeling it for almost two years prior now. Depression has taken a lot from me, quite honestly I don’t remember the last time I actually felt alive. Most days I wake up, and I don’t feel like myself. I don’t smile or laugh as much anymore, and I’ve lost joy in things that used to bring me happiness, peace, and just overall a sense of well being. I am writing this on December 7th 2022 and it is currently 12:56 am. Today’s my birthday, I'm finally 18. For the people who might notice or ask why I’m not at school these next few weeks, the answer will be that I'm homeschooling the rest of the semester. But that’s not the truth. Truth is, today is the day I start outpatient. Today is the day I’m starting a program to help me feel alive again. Today is the first step in my long and difficult fight to get my smile back, and I am scared shitless. Laying in bed, not knowing what to expect. But I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of never feeling like I have enough energy to take a shower. I’m tired of always wanting to jump in my bed, and pull the covers over me to hide from the world. I’m tired of feeling like I’m watching my life play out in front of me like a blurred movie with bad projectors. But I’m most tired of not having answers. Specifically the answers as to why I feel the way I do.
When I return to school after break, I hope to come back one of two ways. One, I’m hoping to walk back into school with my big Hollywood smile my parents always said I have. Or two, I walk back in those doors with all the tools I hope to learn that help me find myself again. Now I’m not sharing this as a form of self pity or as me looking for sympathy. Throughout losing pieces of myself to depression, I felt like I lost my voice, verbally. Fortunately, I never lost my voice through writing. I am deciding to share this with you to tell you, you are not alone. When all seems dark and scary, and you don’t know where or what to do next, you are not alone. For the longest time, I had convinced myself that because I was the one feeling this way, that I didn’t deserve other people’s help. I had convinced myself that I was on my own. Two of the biggest things I struggle with is asking for help and opening up. I still have a hard time doing those two things, but with every passing day, I’m getting better. Best part is, I’m getting help from others, it’s human nature, it’s in our DNA. Trust me when I say I know it’s not easy, facing your fears, asking for help, speaking up. But if I can do it, so can you. I believe in you, each and every one of you. Take a moment, reach inside yourself, find that last ounce of strength you’ve kept buried, and go fight for your smile. You deserve it.
